Attachment parenting has always resonated with me.  When I was a new mother, I tried to follow my instincts.  I wanted to be close to my babies.  I wanted to comfort them.  I felt that it was my job and no one else’s. 

I had natural births, two of which were at home.  I was very informed and aware through them.  I was an active participant.  I breastfed them (for years), even worked through some seemingly insurmountable nursing problems that seriously made me question my mothering.  Shawn and I both carried them in slings.  Our babies slept with us until they were ready to move to their own beds - or in with another sibling.  :)  I was able to form an unbreakable, unseeable connection with each of my children.  Those things we did only helped that... I don’t believe it was because of those things. 

This is how I Mom. 

But with Chaltu, so much of that is not possible.  I did not carry her, and feel her move, feel her hiccups and kicks.  I didn’t work hard to push her out, or hold her and smell her while she was still fresh and new.  I had planned on nursing our adopted baby, but she will be at LEAST 16 months old by the time she gets to us and I had a reaction to the medication used to induce lactation.  She already walks - so she may not WANT to be held in a sling.  And she has slept by herself in a crib since she was a tiny newborn.

I am not sure how I will Mom her.  I am scared of parenting a toddler without having nursing to distract or use as a comfort.  I am scared that because she is already past some of those deep connection stages, I may not do it ‘right’ and we may never have that same type of unbreakable, unseeable, our lives are tied together bond. 

The ‘how to’ attach came so easy to me with my children who were born to me.  We are linked.  Their emotions effect mine.  My emotions effect theirs.  Sometimes I have a hard time separating my own self from theirs.  Sure, some separation comes naturally as they get older, and I believe this is how God intended. 

But how does one become that entwined and attached when the child doesn’t physically NEED the mom (for food) or can walk and not depend on someone to carry her to where she needs to go?   

I know I will do my best.  I know attachment parenting.  I know what it feels like.  I know that you have to make adjustments for each child, because no two are ever the same.  I know that we will eventually be attached.  But in the meantime... I wonder about the how’s, the what if’s.